By Shari Braham, M.Ps.
When I meet with couples for therapy, one of the profound issues that I see is that individuals are often disappointed that their personal dreams and hopes for their relationship with their partners have not materialized. In the first session, individuals often identify communication as one of the primary areas of difficulty impacting their relationship. Although the word communication may seem straightforward, the list of complaints that clients share in the counselling sessions vary. Some individuals describe their partners as silent or withdrawn. While others complain that their partner is verbally explosive, nagging, critical, sarcastic or demanding. Many partners interpret “communication” as talking rather than active listening.
Sometimes everyday questions like “what are we having for dinner?” or “when will you be home?” can lead to heated arguments. In communication, difficulties arise not only based on spoken words but on tone of voice and body language of the speaker. In addition, the presence of hidden resentments, unresolved areas of disagreement and unmet dreams are all elements that can fuel blow-ups in relationships. This is particularly true if partners have been withholding unspoken/unshared hurts or concerns about the relationship.
One of the goals of couples counselling, marriage counselling or relationship counselling of any kind is to help individuals identify and understand the emotions and unresolved issues that lie beneath these patterns of communication. For example, the partner who is described as a nag may actually be repeating themselves over and over again because they feel frustrated that their concerns are not being heard and feel invisible. The individual who speaks in a verbally aggressive way may be using anger to cover up feelings of sadness and hurt which they do not feel comfortable expressing. The partner who asks “when will you be home?” may really be saying that they feel sad and lonely and are looking for some sign of reassurance from their partner.
How I work
As a therapist, I work with a variety of individuals, who seek relationship counselling. Some couples experience difficulties or want to explore differences prior to marriage or prior to moving in together. I have worked with same sex partners, couples who are newlyweds as well as couples who have been married for many years. One of my objectives is to create a nonjudgmental environment where individuals can feel safe and free to express themselves.
In the initial couples counselling session, both partners are given an opportunity to share their concerns and the goals they want to achieve as a couple within the therapy sessions. Emphasis is placed on encouraging clients to express their needs and convey that they can acknowledge the unique perspective of their partner even when they don’t necessarily agree with this point of view. In relationship counselling, clients are given tools which can enhance communication and create meaningful connection with their partner. They learn to raise issues using clear, descriptive “I” statements. Individuals are given feedback about their tone of voice and their body language which may be sending a negative message to their partner and contributing to relationship discord. Individuals are shown that effective communication can reduce feelings of defensive for the listener, ultimately eliminating the need to verbally strike back and instigate an argument.
In relationship counselling or marriage counselling individuals learn to listen to one another, express important needs and partners learn to acknowledge the significance of these needs. Acquiring the skills to communicate in effective, respectful ways are important tools that can be achieved in relationship counselling. Small shifts in communication styles can have a profound effect on improving one’s relationship with one’s partner.
About Shari Braham
I have over 20 years of counselling experience in community mental health and private practice. I have a Masters Degree in Clinical Psychology, a certificate in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and attended courses in Couples Therapy and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy.
At Toronto Psychological Services, I thoroughly enjoy the positive results achieved through my work with individuals and couples. I have the opportunity to provide professional counselling to adults in our community. My clinical work at TPS is supervised by Jancy King, M.Ed., C. Psych. Assoc., a member of the College of Psychologists of Ontario. As such, all or most of your fees are covered by your workplace benefits.
Call 416-531-0727 to make an appointment with Shari Braham M.Ps., Individual and Couples Therapist
